... I suggest you keep looking

After wrestling with indecision for far too long, we found a final Euro-adventure to enjoy together — three days in the canton of Valais, meandering in the shadows of the highest peaks of Switzerland. We couldn't settle on one valley to concentrate our limited time, so we chose three. Since I dislike planning, I was grateful for a last-minute AirBnB find, a centrally-located apartment with all amenities in a lovely and quiet location for just $60 USD a night. We bought groceries and sandwiches, and the whole thing ended up being a fairly cheap excursion, relative to most trips one might do in Switzerland. 

Beat picked our first hike, a loop to Col des Otanes in the Bagnes valley. This adventure took us back to the southwestern corner of Switzerland and a pass Beat had crossed in past PTLs. My vertigo was a little worse this week than it had been in Chamonix — for what reasons, I don't know. I speculate that it's hormonal, the way some women get "the dropsies" once a month, but who knows? Sometimes I'm dizzier than other times, and since I never quite know how my brain will react, I'm wary of exposure at all times. The trail out of Fionnay was smooth and easy but precipitous, a notch carved into the side of cliffs with frequent sheer drop-offs and occasional one-foot-wide wooden plank bridges suspended over waterfalls. Beat was fascinated with the gorge below, insisting he scrambled over that chaotic moraine during the 2013 PTL. He kept stopping to scan for evidence a small bridge he swore he used to cross the chasm. Because I was directly behind him and having enough issues with vertigo that I was reluctant to look down, I eventually became angry about his erratic pace.

We took a short side trip to cross the suspension bridge over Corbassière — 190 meters long, 70 meters high, a marvel of Swiss construction. This bridge was completed in 2014, so it didn't exist the first time Beat was here with PTL, which is why they needed to pick their way all the way around the moraine. As we crossed back over the rippling platform, I made the mistake of looking down, which caused my vertigo to launch into overdrive. My vision wavered and leg muscles seemed to liquify, causing me to shamble drunkenly from side to side as I gripped the handrails for a welcome anchor in reality.

The familiar setting, or perhaps the promise of cake, seemed to put Beat into race mode. He charged up the switchbacks above the bridge. It was an exhausting effort to try to keep him in sight with my woozy and weakened legs. Slowly, the feel of solid ground restored solidity in my muscles.

We stopped at Cabane Panossière for their famous tarte aux amandes — not overrated. The weather was so mild that we didn't even need to don jackets to enjoy our treat on the terrace while gazing at Glacier de Corbassière and Grand Combin, an Alpine 14er (4,314 meters = 14,154 feet.) As we often describe to European friends, 4,000 meters holds a significantly different climate here than Colorado. We tell them we live at 2,200 meters and they're impressed — that would be a harsh location, above treeline and subject to cold and windy weather for most of the year, if it was in the Alps. But it's only 7,200 feet in Colorado, well within the protection of forests and blistering summer heat (but not free from 60mph winter winds.)

Treeline in the Alps is usually between 5,500 and 6,500 feet, depending on the aspect. Those beautiful grassy slopes that dominate the most famous Alpine scenes exist between 6,000 and 8,000 feet. Above 8,000 feet, terrain becomes increasingly rocky and rugged, and tundra replaces grass. By 9,000 feet even tundra plants fade, and above 9,500 the moonscape reigns. Still, at the 9,400-foot pass of Col des Otanes, I did find a cluster of small, daisy-like yellow flowers poking out from under a rock. Suck a lovely presence, those hardy little flowers. I would have taken a photo, but I didn't want my awkward shambling body to risk a tumble into such delicate things.

At the pass we met a group of Dutch hikers who offered to take our photo. They were surprised by our small packs and asked a number of questions about our route. We pointed toward Fionnay, with buildings in the valley still in view even though we were 5,000 feet higher, and mentioned we'd only started around noon, since we'd driven there from virtually the other side of the country that morning. They didn't seem to process this, and kept naming different huts we might have passed. "No, just Fionnay. It's only 10 kilometers from here," I replied after looking at my watch. 6.3 miles. It felt so much farther away. The Alpine world is both expansive and extremely compressed.

The 6.3 miles on my watch also sparked some alarm, because the route I'd drawn on Strava was only 11 miles long, and the last two miles were flat, which meant apparently we had just three miles to descend 5,000 feet. After drawing up the route, I'd gotten an idea in my head that we needed to travel counter-clockwise to climb the steep side and descend more gradually, but it was the opposite. The climb had been steep enough that I didn't notice, but that meant this descent was really going to hurt. Oops. It went well enough, but for the entire descent all we could see was a sheer horizon that seemed to plummet directly into the valley. New switchbacks would be revealed and all was well, but my vertigo was still faintly buzzing, and I was very slow. I resolved to try harder with my descending, tomorrow.

The following day was entirely my plan, after Beat mentioned that he wanted to visit Zinal. Beat traversed much of Valais last year with the Swiss Peaks 360-kilometer race. During the race he crossed into and out of Val d'Anniviers on lower trails — the course out of the valley ascended directly up a ski slope, painful and ugly. Of course that's where I hiked in Zinal last year as well, having not planned anything better. This trip would be an opportunity to travel higher in the valley and take in delicious glacier views.

Our trip plan this year also provided Beat with a little insight into my own 2018 Swiss Peaks experience, since we needed to drive up a new valley every day. These valley roads are incredible, definitely from another time and culture than my own. Because the Swiss built them, they're mostly smooth pavement, but the single lanes are so narrow that it's difficult to maneuver one vehicle, yet there's two-way traffic winding along narrow notches and precipitous ravines. There are many tunnels, unlit and even more narrow. Driving standard-transmission vehicles here feels like a continuous game of chicken with either oncoming traffic or cliffs, and it's terribly stressful. Combining this driving with crewing stress, sleep deprivation, lack of healthy food and nervousness built up from my solo hiking excursions resulted in one of the worst anxiety attacks I've ever experienced. It was terrible, but it did spark more self-awareness, and I've been cognizant about recognizing and treating my trends toward anxiety since then.

Anyway, the road up Val d'Anniviers was the only time Beat asked me to drive on this trip, and for this I'm grateful. Less driving meant I had more emotional energy to spare for the adventures, and this was a good one — starting with a 5,000-foot climb to 10,500 feet at Cabane Tracuit.

The last part of the climb proved tricky, ascending 40- to 50-percent grades through a boulder field with a fixed-roped scramble up the final pitch. A fierce, cold wind blasted the ridge, and the trail was coated in thick ice. It was a tricky to maneuver with steep exposure to the left and no traction underfoot. We had microspikes in our packs, but were only 50 meters from the cabane, so it was difficult to justify stopping to put them on.


This cabane was a cool thing, though. I mean, look what the Swiss built a vertical mile from the nearest tiny road, straddling a narrow ridge next to glaciers, at 3,200 meters. It looks like a space station. This building was completed in 2013. Beat remembers visiting the old Cabane Tracuit with his dad when he was a kid. They were set to climb Bishorn, a glaciated 4,000-meter peak, but then Beat came down with altitude sickness and had to stay in the hut while his dad climbed. This was a childhood story I hadn't heard before, and was a little incredulous that 10-year-old Beat hiked up a 5,000-foot climb to do some mountaineering with his dad in the days before harnesses and modern boots.


That's Bishorn on the left. It's considered an "easy" 4,000-meter summit, but it is not trivial as you can see. You still need to cross the Turtmann glacier and ascend a snow route beside seracs and other hazards. Beat tends to give the impression that he was not outdoorsy as a child, except when his mountaineering father dragged him on the occasional death march at stupid o'clock in the morning. Turns out, these death marches were impressive expeditions. Meanwhile, I do consider my childhood outdoorsy, although I whined most of the way through an eight-mile hike through a burnt-out Yellowstone forest when I was 10.

For this day's respite at Cabane Tracuit we tried the apple tart. This was even more delicious than the almond tart at Panossière, with a delicate crust, crisp apple slices and light drizzle of dark chocolate. Everything tasted so fresh, and it was nice to enjoy our treat beside the windows spanning an entire wall inside the cabane, with all of the views and none of the wind.

After descending from Tracuit, we continued toward a trail that would take us over Col de Milon. I set this route somewhat nonchalantly, but after my vertigo episodes in Fionnay, I researched it more thoroughly. The traverse stayed above 9,000 feet for several miles and followed a blue-white path, which denotes a technical alpine route. The blue-white markings are meant to warn hikers that the route is more involved, with exposure and potential scrambling. My trip report research boosted my confidence that this route was doable for me, but the tricky red-white ascent to Tracuit sparked new nervousness.

Approaching Col de Milion. The photo doesn't depict it well, but the headwall looked damn near vertical, and north-facing, so it was still in shadow at mid-day and coated on snow. Clear ice seemed likely as well. My heart was fluttering and vertigo began to clamp down, but I still want to believe that I was in control, that I could vanquish my dumb brain's overreaction. So I stiffened that upper lip and held my head high, resolved to stay strong and steady, no drunken shambling. We stuffed our trekking poles in Beat's pack and commenced the hands-and-feet scramble up the talus, which steepened as we climbed. I frequently glanced up and tried not to speculate about which one of those vertical cliffs was the col.

The final pitch to the col — it really was almost vertical, but assisted with fixed chains, which helped in spots where there were few good handholds. This also meant I felt inclined to hold all of my weight on the chains at times, so of course Beat pointed out where a few bolts had popped out of the rock. Still, the vertigo didn't come on the way it had in much safer, better anchored locations the previous day. Historically, I have done better with exposure in places were focus is truly required and drunken shambling actually can become fatal. Maybe my brain isn't a completely unreliable spaz, but I still don't trust it.

(Update: Photo from Beat of the downward perspective)

New views from the other side of Col de Milon. So nice.

Glancing toward the west from Col de Milon, with Weisshorn just hidden from view. I scooted over the saddle as though I was climbing onto the back of a horse, and never fully stood before inching my way off that precipice.

Starting down the moraine that runs below Weisshorn glacier — out of view on the left — while looking toward Glacier de Moming and the tiny pinnacle of the Zinal Rothorn.

I had been a little nervous about this moraine section as well, as trip reports indicated it was a narrow spine of rubble that felt exposed at times. It wasn't technical, but it did sound like just the kind of airy yet unstable terrain that too easily trips my vertigo. The trip reports I'd read had all been written in German and French, so I had to use Google Translate. One translated sentence warned, "Hikers should be without giddiness on the moraine." I laughed at the image of giddily skipping along the steep rubble like a child on a playground. But once I was there, I really felt that way. These incredible views! So many endorphins! Such relief at having survived Milon! Later I learned that giddy can be a synonym for dizzy or skittish in English, but I like my interpretation of capricious joy better.

Beat and I headed toward Cabane d'Arpitettaz, still reasonably full on apple cake, so we planned to only have drinks. As we walked up to the balcony, a woman introduced herself in French as the cabane's caretaker, praised us for crossing over Col Milon — they had watched as we traversed the moraine overhead — asked if we had been to Tracuit as well, and encouraged us to stop for refreshments. Honestly, I've never encountered such friendliness from the Swiss. They're usually nice, of course, but gregariousness is less common. I was feeling woozy (also a synonym for giddy) from the long day and struggled to understand the menu, eventually settling on a Sprite. Beat ordered a large beer, and after gulping it down, announced, "huh, I'm a little drunk."

So with Beat a little bit drunk and me definitely a little bit giddy, we started down the 4,000-foot descent back to Zinal. I was determined to keep a better pace than yesterday, so I made a bold decision to keep my trekking poles packed away. Normally, I feel helpless without my hobble sticks, my klutz crutches, the closest I'll ever to come to the ideal of a well-balanced four-legged creature. But I found that when I focused only on where to put my feet rather than managing four points of contact, I actually did move faster over the rocks.

I was on cloud 9. I felt so amazing. Seriously, I can't imagine there's any drug or amount of beer that could make me feel as giddy as this adventure — crushing the climb, crushing the descent, unbelievable bluebird weather, apple cake and glaciers, all of these glaciers, so incredibly stunning! No, this could not be topped.

For our last day in Valais, though, we had something in mind to top it. The next valley over was the tiny Turtmanntal, where villages suddenly switch from French-speaking to German, there are no ski areas or resorts, every kilometer of the precipitous road is sphincter-clenching, and the only upper-valley village, Gruben, apparently has no year-round residents — only former cattle stages converted to rental chalets. At the end of this valley is a staging area for Barrhorn — "the highest hike in the Alps."


Barrhorn soars to 3,610 meters — 11,843 feet. If 9,000 feet is the moon here, by 11,000 feet one has ascended into outer space. Usually higher Alpine peaks are glaciated, or at the very least flanked by sheer walls and serrated ridges that most humans (i.e. not Kilian) need advanced climbing skills and equipment to ascend. Barrhorn is different. There's a snow-free trail to the top (at least, free of permanent snow.) It's not technical. Anyone can climb it — anyone willing to climb 6,000 feet, that is — and touch the Alpine sky.

This is the trail to Barrhorn — rubble and sand, with a few cables strung along the cliffy section near the top of the Gässi couloir. But hey, it's a trail.

By the time we reached the moonscape, my breathing had deteriorated. Most likely my shallow breaths were an effect of the altitude, or possibly a combination of fatigue and altitude, but breathing difficulty always sparks a spiraling frustration that I have to work harder to reel in. Meanwhile, Beat was marching as hard and steady as ever. He teased me about taking long pee breaks ("I only needed one! OK, two, but most of this trailing behind is just excessive slowness that you're not noticing.") I did feel some pressure to keep up. I couldn't walk and eat and breathe. It was hard enough to just breathe, let alone walk and breathe, so I gave up eating. After a few hours, I felt lightheaded and bonked.

Meanwhile the slope rose ever higher, and soon we were marching through the slushy remnants of Sunday's snow. Near the saddle we encountered two mountain bikers. Their presence was utterly boggling to me. I mean, it felt like an enormous feat of strength just to drag my unburdened body up the steep talus and polished granite. Most of the trail was cut at a 25-35-percent grade, gaining 6,000 feet in six miles. HOW did they get bikes up here? I know a few crazies in Colorado ride 14ers like Huron and that impresses me, but this is just mind-blowing. This guy seemed to be struggling mightily with the descent, swerving and throttling his squealing brakes as he threw a foot down to stop every few meters. He told us he'd ridden Barrhorn before, but it didn't have snow then, and it was much harder with snow. I believe that. But even so. WHY?!


I didn't capture photos of the final ascent because I was a ball of anxiety by that point. The seemingly vertical "trail" was little more than a chute gouged into the loose, almost liquid scree, also covered in shin-deep slush. I'd watched other hikers creeping down it on their butts, and imagined all of the scenarios that could send a person rocketing off the mountain. I insisted on donning my microspikes, mostly for traction in the scree.

And then we were on top. Almost 12,000 feet in the Alps, baby! The views were 360 degrees of wow. This is looking north toward the Bernese Alps. 

Looking south. The closest summit is the Inneres Barrhorn, and then Schollihorn. Both are considered part of the same massif, and some hikers tag all three. Due to the tricky snow conditions and the fact we were driving all the way back to Vordemwald in the evening, we decided to keep it simple and only tag the highest summit.

Gazing southwest, over the Bruenegg Glacier. The farther glacier is Turtmann, and that flat ridge above the glacier is the location of Cabane Tracuit. We could see the hut's metal siding glistening in the sunlight like a signal mirror.  I hadn't even realized our proximity the previous day. As the crow flies, we were only about five miles from the perch where we stood 24 hours earlier. But you really have to be a crow — or a serious mountaineer — to connect the two.

Looking west toward Turtmanntal valley, the high ridge dividing Val d'Anniviers and Zinal, more ridges and more tiny valleys with their tiny, terrifying roads.

We shared the summit with a man who was solo after his friend succumbed to the altitude and turned around. "I am never coming back here, so you better take my picture. Do you want the same?" he asked. You can see from my body language how super relaxed I am about the upcoming descent over liquid snow scree. At least I was able to cram down a roll with thin-sliced beef and one piece of chocolate from Beat, the first thing I'd eaten since breakfast. "I ate snacks on the way up," Beat commented, to which I replied, "I was too busy breathing."

Starting down. Oh man, those views. I was nervous but giddy, in a way that contains all of the synonyms for the word. What an unbelievable day.

(Update: Photo by Beat of the scree-snow descent. Good fun.)

Still, the descent wasn't as bad as I anticipated, but I also couldn't move as quickly or confidently as I had the day before. Trails were still precipitous at times. This photo of Beat dropping into Gässi depicts some of these vertigo-inducing sections well, I think. Near the bottom of the couloir I slipped and took another hard fall onto my butt, for my ongoing collection in a patchwork of bruises. Beat insisted I brush all of the dust off my pants so I could look presentable for Turtmannhütte.

Turtmannhütte is famous for its black forest cake, so of course we tried that. We enjoyed our sweet snack outside the hut with coffee for me, panaché for Beat, and views of Turtmann glacier. We discussed which of the three was our favorite cake, but this was a hard decision. My favorite was probably the apple tart of Tracuit, because it reminded me of mom's apple pie.

Looking back toward Barrhorn (big peak to the left) and Turtmannhütte (small building on the right) as we rounded a small reservoir. Three perfect days, each one more astonishing and leg-crushing than the last. I was sad this trip to Valais was ending and that it had been so short, but perhaps it's better that way. It's good to end on a high note. If only I'd kept this as my last hike in Switzerland ... 

If there's just one thing you wanted to see ...

After Beat finished PTL, we spent the next two weeks visiting his family in northern Switzerland. Both Beat's mom and brother live in a relatively rural region along the Aare River, which meanders beneath the Jura Mountains. This area always feels subdued after the grandeur of the Alps, and admittedly it's taken me a few years to truly appreciate its beauty. Usually we arrive half-shattered and far behind on work after a week of racing and adventuring in Chamonix, and this year was no different. Beat parked himself in bed and worked from home for most of the next week, but he did rally to join me for a few Stägli. 

Just a few kilometers from our home base in Vordemwald, the 1,150 steps of the 1000er Stägli ascend a small Jura mountain. Rising 700 feet in a third of a mile, this ascent is a harsh exclamation point in the usually pleasant, loamy trails that traverse these slopes. Popular with fitness folks and home to a sprint race, the Stägli are vert-lover's dream — the perfect setting to put in hard stair repeats and chase lung-searing climbing PRs on rainy afternoons. There's even a fun, very easy via feratta through the gorge that runs alongside the Stägli, as well as several options for trail-running descents. For all of these reasons, I was drawn back to the Stägli most every day that week. Despite ongoing fatigue, I still attempted to chase PRs. Each effort melted down in the rare-for-me experience of lungs outlasting legs, which buckled as muscles filled with lactic acid. My PR is 11:32. The best I could do this year was 12:16. Fastest women's time on Strava is 8:09. It's humbling to comprehend such speed — a vertical mile in an hour if she could keep it up! — but still fun to push as hard as my heavy legs will allow, once in a while.

By Saturday, Beat was done with work and reasonably recovered from PTL, and had set aside the last week in Europe for unstructured fun. In past years we've been on our way to another 200-mile mountain race for Beat, but he had nothing lined up this time — which left him noticeably disappointed, and a bit apathetic to any non-racing excursions. He charged me with setting up adventures if I wanted to have any ... and I dropped the ball. Multi-day trips through Europe are complex. There's no wilderness. Every sleep stop must be set in advance, so one must know exactly which trails they're traveling each day and how long the route will take, set schedules, make reservations, acquire exact change in cash to pay for everything, and stick to the plan. Grocery stores in small Italian towns are effectively never open, so resupplies can be tricky as well. These realities leave me longing for the American West, where I'd just load up a backpack with everything I need and rest in beautiful solitude anywhere and anytime I please. Alas, I balk at all of the necessary planning and thus have yet to experience a true European tour. I made a half-hearted planning effort this year, even going so far as to contact refugios near Courmayeur. But Beat had little interest in what amounted to a small segment of the Tor des Geants when he's raced it seven times.

Back to the drawing board. A few day trips in Switzerland could suffice for now. The weather was forecast to be wet and cold for the next few days, with snow down to 2,000 meters. So I kept it simple — a meager 5,600-foot climb up the popular Pilatus peak near Lucerne.

Forecasts proved correct and it was a gloomy day with intermittent rain and "considerable cloudiness." Although this made for slimy trails through cattle pastures, I was enjoying the more typical Alpine weather. Chamonix had been entirely too hot and dry.

Beat approaching Pilatus Klum, which I knew was a major destination accessed by the world's steepest cogwheel railway. Still, I wasn't quite expecting the development we encountered — a massive hotel and multiple restaurants stretched across the narrow and rocky ridgeline.  Fog had enveloped the top by the time we arrived, so we climbed the viewless 2,100-meter summit of Esel and paid ten CHF (which I just learned is almost equal exchange for the U.S. dollar right now, so not bad!) to enjoy two Apfelschorles in the cafeteria, out of the cold wind. 

Starting the long descent as fog continued to roll through.

I routed us downhill a long way through another valley, in case we wanted new scenery. When I'm alone I treat my own GPS tracks as a suggestion, but Beat seemed more inclined to follow them to the line — the way one would when racing — and didn't even pause at the trail intersection. He did stop often to point out rugged-looking couloirs and other off-trail routes up near-vertical slopes that could possibly be climbed  — the way one would when racing PTL.

As we made our way down, down, down the winding valley, a small Appenzeller dog tore through the brush and barked aggressively, running back and forth between us as I waved my trekking poles at it, convinced I was about to have my ankles chomped. As Beat and I moved closer together, the cattle-herding dog seemed satisfied with its efforts and stopped barking, but continued to follow us down the trail, leaping happily between us. One mile passed, then two, and as we neared town, we were both fretting about what to do about this random Swiss dog that seemingly adopted us. It had a collar but no tag. Would we have to call an animal control office? The police? We couldn't just climb into the car and abandon it on a busy street miles from its apparent home.

We left the trail and continued on the final road to town with the dog still following. He/she especially seemed to take a liking to Beat and walked beside him, gazing back occasionally to make sure I hadn't drifted back too far. As we passed, all of these cattle moved together from various locations around the field and lined up in a row at the fence, fervently watching the dog for direction. Beat and I had a good laugh about the cows — amazing what those little herding dogs can do. Shortly after this spot we were approached by a vehicle, which turned out to be the farmer looking for his dog. Such relief! The man had been out cutting wood when the dog took off. He told us the dog occasionally adopts hikers, and once followed another pair all the way to the top of Pilatus. Beat suggested he put a phone number on the dog's collar.

The weather was really terrible on Sunday. Except for a couple of Stägli, we mainly stayed indoors and watched the start of the Tor des Geants online. Beat had several friends who were racing an even longer and tougher version of Tor that started on Friday. By this point in the week he was so filled with FOMO that he was glued to updates and didn't seem to care about what came next for us. Based on photos of heavy snow covering passes near Courmayeur and a similar forecast near us, I figured we'd be safest sticking to something fairly low.

On Monday we set out from Stockalp for a ridge walk that topped out at 2,200 meters. This route I effectively picked blind off of Strava's heat map, but did a little trip report research afterward to determine which parts of the ridge were walkable, and which parts demanded more technical scrambling that would be scary for me and downright dangerous in wet weather. But I didn't look at any photos beforehand, so the sheer rock walls and waterfalls along the narrow canyon approach were a nice surprise. Beat, again, continued to spot faint game trails climbing out of the gorge and urged explorations. The trails were little more than off-camber indentations in sheer grassy slopes where any tumble would send us hundreds of feet down a cliff. "Your interest in these trails is making me much less excited to hike with you this week," I told him.

After saying this, I realized that Beat and I have done comparatively little hiking together in Europe. He is nearly always either racing or recovering, so the vast majority of my excursions here have been solo. I'm used to picking and choosing my routes and maintaining my own pace. Since Beat is used to racing, even his casual pace feels hard-driving to me, and I was often straining to keep up. It was fun to share this with him as well, though — the awe of another incredible vista over the next horizon, the quaint cheese-selling establishments and real estate signs on enviable chalets to spark conversation, the surprise of a snowline that crept lower than we expected.

Surpassing snowline on our way to the Balmeregghorn. Time for wet and cold feet (and a wet and sore butt, as I took a good fall farther up.)

Looking across the ridge as the fog moved in. This is the more complicated part of the ridge to save for another time — compelling for sure, but in these conditions, it would have been a slip n' slide of horrors.

Looking toward Tannensee and the part of the ridge we would traverse.

Brief views toward Engstlenalp and a pass I'd climb later in the week. Steep drop-offs to the right!

The steep drop-offs were still there, but obscured by clouds as we made our way down.

Dropping toward Tannensee to wrap up the loop. This outing proved to be a perfect way to soothe the sting of disappointment about not running Tor des Geants or planning a more involved adventure — unbelievably scenic the entire way, low-impact (I mean, only 4,200 feet of climbing in 15 miles), but challenging enough with snow to add spice to both trail and scenery. Of course the descent I set was too meandering and easy, and Beat insisted we run a lot of it. Oof. It was going to be another leg-crushing week, but I couldn't wait to see what we planned next.

Wrestling the restlessness

Our last few days in Chamonix were relatively quiet. On Friday morning I was only beginning to rouse after yet another 5 a.m. bedtime when Pieter turned up at our shared apartment. His leg had not improved overnight, and he was barely able to limp around the small living area. Beat and Daniel continued up the 8,000-foot ascent of Chavalard while he caught a ride from Fully. His injury would later be diagnosed as a significant tear in one of his quadriceps — a bummer as his current prognosis calls for at least eight weeks recovery, and he can't even ride a bicycle or swim with a muscle tear. The fall that caused his injury happened during a long and rugged traverse before Fully, so he had no opportunities to stop sooner, but it's good he dropped out when he did. 

Pieter was hurting, disappointed, and badly in need of a good sleep, so I left the apartment and headed toward the traditional TMB trail to climb up the back side of Brevent. My legs felt particularly heavy with the week's efforts, having already surpassed 40,000 feet of climbing in seven days. The long, hard-braking descents on steep and loose terrain are what really wear me down. Dark clouds were building overhead as I crouched my way down a rubbly access road toward Chamonix. This was concerning, because it had been so hot all week that I wasn't carrying much in the way of rain gear. A glance at my watch revealed that I probably wouldn't make it to town in time to meet friends to watch the start of UTMB, so I bought a cheater ticket and took the gondola down from Planpraz.

It was the right decision. I was ordering an espresso at a little bar near the cable car station when the sky opened up and rained down fury for most of 45 minutes just before the 6 p.m. start of the race. Thunder roared and lightning flashed as rain fell in solid sheets, chasing everyone sitting underneath umbrellas on bar's terrace into the tiny building. I crammed my way into a corner and sipped my coffee while looking out the window and feeling smug that it wasn't me out there getting drenched like the 2,500 runners lined up in Chamonix's central square. Eventually I made my way over to Moussoux to meet my friends, where we watched UTMB runners pass by on the road out of town. It took nearly 15 minutes for the entire field to go by, less than a mile from the start. The guy in yellow, leading the pack, is eventual winner Pau Capell.

My friends and I had a great night of libations at a jazz bar and dinner at a restaurant favored by locals — which they are, as British expats living in Les Houches who are currently in the process of gaining French citizenship. Enviable. I caught the night bus and staggered home in the darkness, only to take a comical but admittedly painful headlong fall over a planter right in front of the apartment. I ended up on my face, but my shins bared the brunt of the impact. Humiliating, but no one was around to witness it, so I laid on the ground and laughed at myself before limping inside. Less than two minutes later, the sky opened up again. Despite my pitiful klutziness, I managed to again feel smug for beating all of the downpours on this day.

On Saturday, Pieter and I did a little dot-stalking to catch up with Beat and Daniel at Lac d'Emosson. I wanted to capture some photos of them on the trail, so I consulted Pieter's GPS, only to find the route headed directly into a pitch-dark tunnel with seemingly no end. While donning a headlamp and trying to work up the courage to press into the darkness, Beat and Daniel emerged from tunnel. Without even slowing down, they marched directly to a nearby bar for a large serving of ice cream.

Beat and Daniel looked strong, and at that point were only about eight hours from the finish line in Chamonix. We waved goodbye and watched them walk across the dam. Pieter and I continued to enjoy a leisurely afternoon. We had lunch at a Canadian burger place, where I encouraged him to try the poutine (I don't even like poutine, but find it funny that there's this unique North American food that I can introduce to European friends in France.) Pieter's mom flew in from Belgium for the sole purpose of driving Pieter home in his car, since his leg was too painful to even drive. Moms are great like that. She spent fewer than 15 hours in Chamonix, but at least was able to enjoy a fondue at her favorite local restaurant. This was the only properly Alpine restaurant I managed to visit during three weeks in Europe. I don't particularly love provincial French and Swiss cuisine — it seems like much of it involves a herculean effort to cram down four pounds of cheese and then feel horrible for the next 36 hours. Even the "salad" I ordered at this quaint establishment had about three leaves of lettuce, and the rest was salami, eggs and cheese. But it was delicious.

Beat and Daniel strode up to the finish line of PTL at 10:45 p.m. They put in a hard effort from Emosson, even running most of the final descent at 10-minute-mile pace ... although, in proper PTL style, they were walking casually and side-by-side when they crossed under the arch.  This was Beat's earliest finish yet — still Saturday night. On social media I reported that it was Beat's fastest PTL, but I forgot that the race used to start 14 hours later, so his fastest was still his first, in 2012. It was his seventh "cowbell," which is what PTL finishers receive — seven finishes in eight starts. He was already complaining that his year's PTL was "too easy" because there wasn't as much off-trail terrain as usual, and the weather was warm and dry. He swears this is his last PTL, but I don't believe that for a second.

By Sunday everyone was sleeping, so I stole away for one last hike. Again I made my way from downtown Chamonix up a trail I'd never climbed before, only to discover it was a relentlessly steep and rubbly access road toward Col Cornu. This route was perfect for me, though — as hundreds of UTMB runners were making the final descent to Chamonix on a beautiful Sunday afternoon and spectators were everywhere, there was no one on this mean and ugly climb. I hiked hard, relishing the burn in hamstrings and calves. My fatigue was deep by this point, but the huge daily dose of endorphins becomes increasingly addicting. I was hungry for a fix.

I traversed over to Col de la Gliere and enjoyed a snack and views, but on the descent I made the decision to do one more 2,000-foot ascent to Brevent to push my nine-day climbing total over 50,000 feet. These stats are arbitrary, and I'd already cheated by cutting out part of a descent, which is the hardest part anyway. But the numbers are fun to chase. While I aggressively pursued vert all week long, Pieter and Daniel both teased me about running PTL again. To this I responded with an irritated side-eye glance, and usually launched into another anecdote about why I so aggressively dislike PTL.

Each year I become more attuned to my inner relationship with mountains, these raw and astonishing spaces that I love and fear with almost equal intensity. Every time I return to the mountains, I encounter fears — of unpredictable obstacles, of rapidly changing weather, of the frequent mistakes that I make, and the potential consequences that increase exponentially with exposure and remoteness. Every time I'm faced with tricky maneuvers or insecure footing, I need to gulp down little spurts of panic that I can't prevent, that I can only try to absorb before they consume me. But this emotional roller-coaster takes its toll, even more so than the physical strain. I used to believe that facing my fears would vanquish them, but I no longer believe this. And I used to believe that more experience would inspire confidence, but I now understand better the way scars leave me weaker than before, especially emotional scars. By the end of a week like this, as amazing and relatively benign as it was, I'm strung out. Wasted. Legs may be a little heavy, but my mind is fully cooked.

As years pass, and I don't seem to "get over" my experiences at the 2013 PTL, I've become more willing to accept the trauma I carry, that has likely become a permanent part of me. It may have been an optional, recreational activity, and I recognize my privilege in saying this, but PTL was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. It left a wound in my psyche, and I reopen the scar, just a little, every time I return to these mountains. There is a lot I love — there is so much more to love — that these returns are worth it. But I've come to accept that I'll never be a happy-go-lucky mountain runner. Not only am I an incurable klutz who is just terrible at descending, but there's a darkness I need to face to reach the heights, every time.

This is the experience life, of course. Light cutting through the darkness, beauty across the entire spectrum of color, shades of gray rather than absolute black and white. I have no desire to live out my life on a predictable, even plane, which is why I return to the mountains, every chance I get.