French fried

Trail running above Rustrel, France

As we left the higher altitudes of the Aosta Valley, headlines blared warnings about a heat wave sweeping across Europe. Paris expected to hit 41C (106F!) Great Britain would see temperatures it had never before seen. We were heading south to a typically balmy region of France, where our friend Pieter and his wife Jill (technically, they were already legally married since their wedding had to be postponed in 2020) were planning an elaborate ceremony on July 21. Haze from nearby wildfires filled the air and my lungs were pinched with inflammation. With all of the travel and social mingling, we continued to take Covid tests that continued to be negative. So the only explanation I had for how lousy I was feeling is, "Summer still sucks for me, even in Europe."
 

We took advantage of the six-hour drive to Saignon to visit the Ecrins, an especially rugged section of the southern Alps in France. We only had time for a quick evening excursion, climbing toward Glacier Blanc as threatening clouds and thunder rumbled overhead. I was nervous about the weather and already felt like a bear was sitting on my chest. I considered just turning back for the car as Beat blazed up the steep trail, annoyingly strong for being a mere two days recovered from his 53-hour march around the Matterhorn. At least he looked good in his race T-shirt and classically Italian neon shades that were his prize for finishing the Cervino Matterhorn Ultra Race. 

We climbed as high as I could muster before Beat waited long enough for me to catch him. I admitted that I was tired of gasping for breath and just wanted to go home. I confess, at this point, I wanted to go home-home, as the weight of this long trip was wearing me down. Again, I am certainly not complaining about the privilege of traveling for five weeks in Europe. I love being in these mountains and they are worth the sacrifices. But it does take a lot of energy to cope with the lack of respites that help me manage anxiety at home: Solo time. Established routines. A cool and familiar place to sleep at night. Autonomy in how I spend much of my day. Predictability in my diet. Cold drinks. Oh, cold drinks! How I miss cold drinks. 

But, our stay in the Ecrins was quite nice. We rented a room from an Italian man who cooked us a delicious three-course meal with an assortment of unique delicacies including local smoked trout, prosciutto and melon, pesto tortellini, and an incredible soft cheese for which Beat and I would pay top dollar if we could ever find it again. It was probably our best meal of the trip, with no disrespect intended for the fancy dinners before and during the wedding, which were also delicious. 

Château de Rustrel

For our time in the Provence, we stayed in Rustrel. We rented an apartment in a 17th-century feudal castle that had recently been renovated to include the town hall, an art studio, and several rental properties, among other things. How neat is it to live in a castle for a few days? And it was special — beautiful grounds and sweeping views from our third-story apartment. However, we didn't consider what it would be like to live in a castle — a structure built with insulation that few modern buildings can match — during a time when temperatures were climbing into the high 90s every day. The upper levels of the castle held the heat like an oven, and the only barrier we had against it was a single fan. 

A view of Rustrel and the surrounding ochre hills

I don't think I've done so much sweating in all of my life. Each night I'd lay sprawled on a sheet and panting. My legs, glistening and bare, were soon pockmarked with mosquito bites. If I drifted to sleep at all, it was a feverish daze, and I'd often wake up drenched in sweat. More often I just lie awake in the stifling darkness, slowly losing the will to live. My core was so overheated that instinct convinced me if I moved my body at all, I'd pass out and possibly die. Honestly, this seemed like not the worst outcome. It did answer a long-standing question: Would I survive if I had to move to a tropical climate? No. No I would not. 

The heat also eroded my already tenuous grasp on my anxiety. On our first day in Rustrel, we walked to a local bistro for lunch. The only available seat was directly in the sun. I sat across from Beat watching sweat pour from his neck like a faucet. Quickly, my heart rate shot into the 150s and my breathing became shallow. I felt like a dog trapped in a hot car. I finally wheezed at Beat that I was seconds away from a panic attack if we didn't move, so we reseated ourselves at a different uncleared table in partial shade. After that, I lost interest in restaurants. I will trade the sweat and panic for day-old bread in private, thank you very much.  

This area reminds me of Kodachrome Basin State Park in Utah

Appropriately, the local attraction just happened to be a redrock “desert” called Colorado Provencal. Pieter called the park a “tourist trap,” but I was eager to check it out. There I was, feeling anxious, hard-boiled, and homesick, and here was a uniquely familiar place in my far-away backyard. 

Colorado Provencal was once an ochre quarry. Erosion following the excavations exposed unique rock formations. So it’s hardly natural, but it is a novelty, and thus is quite popular despite being relatively far from anywhere. You need reservations to visit before noon, so Beat and I had to wait for the full heat of the afternoon. Still, as I had nearly forgotten, it’s more tolerable to move through heat than it is to sit still. Airflow at least helps sweat work in your favor. 

We walked the 1.5 miles to the park entrance and purchased a ticket for the one-mile loop through the hoodoos. In that short space, we were approached by no fewer than five rangers who reminded us about the extreme fire danger and to be sure and stay on the marked path. Beat was not thrilled about being corralled along sandy paths to look at a mostly fake miniature version of something we can experience in sweeping expanses closer to home, but I loved Colorado Provencal. It quelled some of my homesickness and helped the heat seem more reasonable somehow. 

Ah, bromance. Daniel and Beat at the hilltop restaurant in Saignon

The wedding festivities were an adventure in themselves. The evening prior to the ceremony we attended a dinner at a beautiful French restaurant on a hilltop overlooking much of the region. We were glad for the company of Colorado friends Daniel and Lindsey, as the events were a barrage of awkward social interactions and language barriers and I was fairly nervous about all of it. The pre-wedding dinner started fashionably late around 9 p.m. and was still going strong when we clocked out well after midnight, citing the tough ride we had planned the following morning. 

The famously bald upper slopes of Mont Ventoux

Another nearby feature we discovered when browsing maps is Mont Ventoux, a prominent mountain that looms over the rolling hills of the Provence. The road that snakes over the summit has become a staple for a long stage in the Tour de France, climbing a vertical mile (5,050 feet) in a mere 12 miles on grades ranging from 7 to 9%. The training app Zwift turned this climb into a segment that has become a favorite of ours. It’s a mind-numbing grind, and the graphics mimic reality with enough proximity to provide a truly enjoyable experience. It’s difficult for me to explain my love of Zwift to those who can’t fathom enjoying indoor exercise, but the combination of physical difficulty, visual stimulation, and virtual proximity to others hit the same synapses that I engage in outdoor excursions. I love that I can do so from the comfort and ease of home. 

Anyone who has ridden Ven-Top on Zwift will recognize this view: You're almost there! 

Still, a chance to climb Mont Ventoux in real life was too enticing to pass up. Beat and I set up bike rentals in Malaucene and planned an early start (as soon as the bike shop opened, 9 a.m.) to be back in time for the wedding. Because of the mountain’s prominence, the summit is often raked by high winds and “always cold,” according to Pieter. I didn’t believe in this cold for a second and packed four liters of water — two of which I had frozen solid over two days in the tiny apartment freezer — in my hiking backpack. One of the things about Ventoux I was looking forward to was the commute there and back — two full hours in the car with the air conditioner on full blast. Beat did the driving. He’s been very kind in volunteering to pilot these narrow, winding roads when he knows how much driving adds to my stress levels. 

Road markers indicate the distance to the summit and grade for the next kilometer

It was another hot day — already over 30C (86F) and climbing at 9 a.m. as we pedaled the rolling pavement toward Bedoin, the official start of the Zwift segment. I purposely brought my leaky hydration bladder so it would continuously drip icy water onto my torso. Between this and the wind chill, those hours riding Mont Ventoux were one of the few times all week that I didn’t feel overheated — even when the wind chill was a mere 4 mph at my plodding pace. I didn’t feel strong, but I hadn’t expected to feel strong and wasn’t fussed about killing myself trying to set a PR on this climb. Beat motored ahead and I hung back, pedaling at a manageable pace and marveling at the strange familiarity of the landscape. 

Quick pic at the peak. The summit sign itself was far too crowded to approach

The road was a veritable circus of vans, cars, motorcycles, and many dozens of other cyclists tackling the climb that morning. Every mile or so, an enterprising photographer snapped action shots and then ran toward me waving their business card and urging me to buy the portraits online. I managed to escape a couple, but one caught me on a particularly steep grade and grabbed my backpack, stuffing the card in a pocket. Ventoux is Disneyland for cyclists, but it was fun for the experience it was. Despite legs that felt like they were filled with sand, I was having a great time. It was amusing how much climbing this summit “felt” like Zwift, how my muscles remembered the strain of a particular hairpin, and how my overall pace was comparable. The time (~2:30) would have been one of my slowest on the Zwift segment, but given the heat, my fatigue, and moderate heart rate, it’s about what I would have expected. 

A typical "trail" above Rustrel

The wedding was a lovely affair on the grounds of a 12th-century abbey. I regret that I didn’t take any photographs. It was, of course, relentlessly hot. For more than an hour we sat on hard chairs in the sun, drenching our dress clothes while listening to speeches in Dutch and French, both languages I don’t understand, so it was … hard. But the emotion was apparent, and even I am not so jaded as to not feel the love at a wedding, so I appreciated the opportunity to be there. Pieter and Beat met at the 2014 Tor des Geants and have become inseparable Alpine adventure buddies, teaming up nearly every year for the PTL. It started as a kind of mentor-mentee relationship — Pieter is 19 years Beat’s junior — and has blossomed into a valuable partnership. So it was an important occasion to share, and I’m glad we could. Delicious wine and food flowed for hours, along with music and dancing, with the latter still going strong at 1 a.m. Pieter’s 80-something grandmother was still out and enjoying dessert when we finally had to tap out, beyond exhausted. 

The Provence — somehow paradise

The following day, in the throes of Ventoux and wedding recovery, we stumbled out the door for one more hike through the Rustrel hills. It was by then fairly late in the afternoon, 99 degrees, and these local trails are nothing but rubble and chunder, badly overgrown with prickly brush and dry grass. The air was thick with humidity and haze. All of this aggravated my asthma to a degree that I was panic-puffing my inhaler, and yet I reveled in the experience. It was like coming full circle through the branches of Hell to arrive back at fun. 

This way to Mont Blanc, only 13,000 feet higher!

Our next stop was Switzerland, but we took a couple of days to visit Chamonix, a part of Europe that almost feels like home. I haven’t been back to this French mountain town since 2019, and I’ve really only experienced it amid the madness that is UTMB week, so it was nice to see a relatively quiet side of the valley. We spent two nights with our friends Rob and Ali in Les Houches, enjoying conversation about American politics and evenings at a Canadian bar that serves hamburgers and fries — not to mention Perrier on ice! 

Not really pictured: Big drop. I'm a right-foot dabber so I especially dislike right-side exposure

We had relatively fantastic weather — it was still hot, but not as hot. We took advantage of the conditions to climb 7,000 feet out of the valley to a middle perch on the Mount Blanc ridge, Tete Rousse. I’ve long been nervous about this route because it includes a fair amount of exposure, albeit mostly protected in via Ferrata style with ladders and chains. Exposure tends to induce vertigo, which isn’t simply a fear of heights — it’s a reaction to heights that induces dizziness and nausea so debilitating that it becomes paralyzing in its worst forms. These days I tend to avoid exposure or at least long periods of exposure because I never know how my brain will react. 

This may be an easy ladder, but it's a long way down!

Oddly, I experienced no vertigo on this route, despite situations that would typically be extremely triggering for me. In general, my vertigo has been more absent (though definitely not gone) for much of the summer. I wonder if higher levels of generalized anxiety prevent these cortisol spikes, or if it’s something else … tough to say. It does make “spicy” trails a lot more enjoyable because while I am still fearful and uncomfortable, I’m not on the verge of losing my shit. Still, I never know when vertigo might strike, so I’m not about to take any big leaps out of my comfort zone. 

What remains of the Tete Rousse Glacier

Tete Rousse was a gorgeous spot, but also a little bit sad. The glacier leading to the refuge — while still uncrossable for us without gear — is almost gone. The couloir leading to the upper slopes is so unstable and raked with rockfall that local officials had to institute a hard closure of the main route to Mont Blanc. They even closed the refuges because people were still climbing illegally, leading the mayor to call for €15,000 fines for everyone to cover the inevitable recovery and funeral expenses. 

The climb to Tete Rousse. Any route above 2,500 meters is going to traverse tricky boulder fields.

Views 7,000 feet down into the Chamonix Valley.

Lots of ibex near Tete Rousse

The lower flanks of the Tete Rousse Glacier

Beat on Aiguilettte des Houches with Mont Blanc in the background

Before leaving Les Houches, I introduced Beat to what has long been my favorite spot in all of the Chamonix Valley, Aiguilette des Houches. It’s my favorite because it’s a relatively quiet spot, it’s a 4,500-foot march straight up just to get there, but there’s nothing difficult or scary about the march, and then you have the most fantastic view of Mont Blanc. Beat thinks these kinds of trails are “boring” but he was amenable to my "easy" Sunday stroll. He did agree that it was a beautiful place to be on a sunny day in July. Ultimately, I was sad to leave France, especially Chamonix, with legs nicely toasted and a mind that had finally settled in for the long haul.

Around the Matterhorn

The Matterhorn (Monte Cervino) as seen from a glacier near the Swiss-Italian border

I’ve been meaning to post a few entries from our visit to the Alps this year. I didn’t do so last year, and I regret this now. My brain was so scrambled after my dad died that I remember little about the summer of 2021, even though we visited incredible places and I found many moments of peace. A sort of brain fog has settled into this summer as well, perhaps for different reasons, but I don’t want to let another mountain season slip away from memory. 

Walking off the jetlag above Valtournenche, Italy

We arrived in Geneva sometime in the late evening on July 13. We’d heard all of the horror stories about air travel this year and braced for the worst, but even so, the journey was challenging. A flight was canceled, another was delayed, a long layover in the stifling crowds of London-Heathrow and a plane delayed on the tarmac did not prevent the airline from losing our luggage, and then we had to leave the airport sans supplies for a three-hour drive to a remote mountain village in Italy in what was by then the middle of the night. Having barely slept in two days, I botched the navigation and misdirected Beat onto the Autostrade, which forced us to pay a 9 Euro toll to drive 12 miles in the wrong direction. At this point I essentially had a panic attack, gulping down bile to reign in my breathing.

The southern aspects of the Matterhorn, as viewed from the Italian side

Lately, I’ve wondered if I still possess the mental health for enjoyable international travel. I do love being here, but the disruption of routines, the general stress, insomnia, and limited personal space have fueled an extended anxiety episode that I'm still working to shake. Most mornings, I wake up to the question of how I’ll best cope with the day’s agenda, even if I’m excited about it. If I don’t form a mental road map, I tend to unravel quickly. I’m certainly not complaining, just explaining why I’m having a difficult time right now, even in a gorgeous and privileged setting. I think most people who cope with some level of anxiety disorder can relate. 

Beat and friends start the Cervino Matterhorn Ultra Race

First on the agenda was another of Beat’s Alpine mountain races. The Cervino Matterhorn Ultra Race circumnavigated the Matterhorn over 182 kilometers (113 miles) of technical trail with 13,000 meters (42,000 feet!!) of climbing. Just the usual for Beat at this point — actually a bit short compared to the 300-kilometer courses he’s raced in past years. It had to be short as our Belgian friend, Pieter, was getting married in a few short days — the reason we’re in Europe in July this year, rather than September. Daniel, our friend from Denver, also joined. Since our luggage disappeared, Beat was missing some of the required gear for the pre-race meeting, so we had to stop at an outdoor store in the village of Valtournenche. The proprietor was exceedingly helpful and friendly, even gifting me a water bottle and three pairs of underwear that he said his wife made him stock for just such occasions. We left the store remembering why we missed the Aosta Valley so much — the mountains are spectacular, the food consistently more delicious than anything I eat at home, and the locals just make you feel good about yourself and humanity in general. 

Euillaz — this is all part of a ski area in the winter. Peaceful and lonely in the summer.

Since thousands of bags were missing from the Geneva and Paris airports, and since we were three hours away from Geneva, I assumed we’d never see our luggage again. Amazingly it arrived the following evening via a courier — an unexpected stroke of luck. This allowed me to squeeze in a late evening hike above the apartment where we were staying — just a quiet side road between Valtournenche and Breuil-Cervinia. It never ceases to amaze me that there are so many places in the Alps where you can walk out the front door and within an hour be in a spot like this. 

The glacier trail to Testa Grigia

The race started Friday, July 15, at the very Italian time of 10 a.m. I cheered the guys through the gate and then took off up the other side of the valley, climbing the final pass in their race, Teodulo. It’s a vertical mile of trudging up steep dirt and scree, and was exactly what I needed. Somewhere around 10,000 feet my brain finally switched from anxious to awestruck.

The glacier cat track carries you all the way down to the Swiss side

The Italian-Swiss border is flanked by an expansive network of glaciers that are rapidly shrinking. Until recently, temperatures above 3,000 meters usually stayed near or below freezing year-round, but that is no longer the case. The temperature was probably around 50 degrees at this altitude, but under direct sunlight with the reflective oven effect of the snow, it felt like a scorching day in the desert. 

The view across Ventina Ghiacciao

The Ventina and Furgg glaciers are used as a year-round ski area and are regularly groomed even on a hot day in July. Skiers and snowboarders use tow ropes to reach the upper slopes, but I saw other hikers and climbers walking the cat track, so I figured this wasn’t forbidden. I strapped on my microspikes and set off toward Switzerland, splashing and slipping through several inches of slush and flowing water over glare ice. Every so often a snowboarder would tear past in a roar of scraping ice, creating a wake through the runoff that made it appear as though they were surfing waves rather than snow. 

Another incredible view from the Furgggletscher

Walking across the glacier created a similar ripple of cognitive dissonance. It looked like a frozen mountain paradise but felt like a baked landscape of white rock and sand. My feet were soaked but not cold, and the high-altitude UV rays broke through my best defenses — industrial-strength sunscreen from New Zealand and a long-sleeve sun shirt with a hood. It’s jarring to watch a glacier actively melt, very quickly, in real time. The sound of cascading water over the ice was unnerving and cast a shade of melancholy over my awe. Rather than try to fight this emotion with disassociation — like I do with anxiety — I dug in deeper and sat with the sadness. It won’t be many more years before this glacier is gone. There’s a chance I will still be alive and well enough to climb this same pass and walk into a world of only rock and scree. That likelihood is already baked into our future, so as my friend Pieter advises, it’s better to appreciate the glaciers while they’re here rather than mourn their inevitable loss. 

Stone farmhouses above Breuil-Cervinia

Beat’s Alpine ultras always leave me feeling nervous, as there is an abundance of dangerous mountain terrain that he’s expected to traverse at all hours of the night and in all weather. Still, over the years Beat has proven himself capable of handling it, and CMUR was at least not as long or sadistically routed as PTL. Still, I endured another somewhat sleepless night wondering about him. First thing in the morning, I learned that Pieter would have to drop out of the race with a serious case of dehydration. He had blood in his urine and his physician sister advised him against continuing. What she told him is, “if you don’t want to spend your wedding day in the hospital, stop now.” Pieter continued to question this decision but I’m also of the opinion that heat injuries are not the place to test your limits. Cold is much less scary to me — unless you’re completely unprepared, subzero temperatures can be managed for a long time. Even frostbite usually doesn’t kill you. Heat is like — you start having cramps and 60 minutes later, you’re dead. 

Approaching Finestra di Cignana

Beat and Daniel planned to stay together as the European heat wave of mid-July 2022 continued to bake the region. Luckily Beat at least had heat training behind him, having run the Bighorn 100 in northern Wyoming in June as temperatures spiked into the high 90s. A lot of the European racers also had to drop with heat-related issues. I often wonder what my future might hold in regard to endurance racing, but I’m almost certain that my “summer racing” days are behind me. I just have too many physiological challenges stacked against me: Sun sensitivity (I break out in heat rashes over nothing), asthma, pollen allergies, and fairly extreme reactions to smoke and pollution. Despite asthma treatments and perhaps miraculously avoiding Covid so far (although I expect the virus to come for me eventually and probably soon), my airways feel a little more pinched each summer. I’m already imagining a future where I might have to hole up indoors for long blocks of the wildfire season, making use of my bike trainer and a HEPA filter to avoid going mad. Either way, strenuous racing during the summer months seems out of reach. 

The view from Col de Valcorniere

So yes, during summer my breathing and thus fitness often deteriorates regardless of training. On the bright side, this gives my ego a reason to let go of expectations and just wander to my heart’s content. I confirmed that Pieter could catch a shuttle back to our apartment — a pickup was something I really didn’t want to have to endure as the round-trip drive to Zinal would take at least six and a half hours — 50 or so miles on foot, and 120 by endlessly winding mountain roads. Having slithered out of any potential crew duties with this fact, I had another full day to wander in the mountains. I chose to aim for the first pass on the CMUR course, Col de Valcorniere. 

An ibex family on Col de Valcorniere

Col de Valcorniere was an enjoyable climb, another vertical mile along a rocky trail, talus fields, and a short section of protected scrambling at the end. I sat on the pass for a half hour, enjoying the antics of a momma ibex and her two rowdy kids. 

Nothing but choss as far as the eye can see

Somehow I generated a desire to venture down the other side of the pass, which was a chossy nightmare. Tight, meager switchbacks still cut a 40-50% grade, loose and slippery but too chunky to simply boot ski — not that I have the coordination to ski scree. Still, I continue to pick my way down 800 vertical feet before I turned to look back at the crumbling wall behind me. “This is all very dumb. It’s not like I’m in a race and have to force myself to do any of this.” I reversed course and quickly lost the “trail.” I had to resort to climbing directly up large blocks of talus, which is not unlike “hiking” in the high country of Colorado and was actually preferable to the nightmare “trail.” 

Fireweed over Lago di Cignana

I descended into Valtournenche on the Alta Via 1 — part of the Tor des Geants course I hadn’t yet seen — and started the long climb up to Euillaz as 5 p.m. sunlight baked the pavement. A store marquee said it was 32C, which is nearly 90 degrees, almost unheard of for an Alps village above 5,000 feet. For a mile my route followed a steeply graded road with heavy traffic — where are all of these people even going? Beat called during this time and I spent much of it trying to hear him over the roar of sports cars piloted by aggressive Italian drivers while sweat streamed down my phone onto my hand. 

Waterfall below Lago di Balanselmo

Then the route finally veered onto a trail and it was typical Aosta Valley ridiculous — severely eroded, cow-stomped dirt cutting straight up the hill at a 30% grade. When it rains these trails are pure mudslides so I’m glad it wasn’t that. I was nearing 8,000 feet of ascent for this hike and my legs were tired, but I particularly loved this part. It was so hot and such a slog that I only had the energy to focus on the present. Late afternoon light saturated the grassy slopes, which were simultaneously soft and angled. Silence resumed. All of the travel anxiety finally faded. I felt content. 

Looking toward the Matterhorn, flanked by clouds

By the time I descended to our apartment after 20 miles, it was nearly 9 p.m. Pieter had finally made it back himself so we cooked up pasta and chatted about our adventures. I checked Beat’s progress in the race and determined there was no chance of an early-morning finish, and finally — finally — settled in for a decent night of sleep.

Just another ho-hum view of the Matterhorn ridge from Mont de l'Eura

The following morning, Pieter was feeling better so we headed into town to await Beat and Daniel's arrival. Pieter planned to take the cable car to Testa Grigia and then run the final 10K downhill with the guys. I can't keep up with Beat in the mountains on my best days (and he's pretty much never at his worst) so I opted to hike toward the Matterhorn on the standard approach one might take to climb the mountain from the Italian side. You start on a class-one jeep road, begin the class-two talus-hopping at Mont de l'Eura, and it just gets harder from there. I stopped just shy of the section with class three and four scrambling around 10,000 feet, mostly because I ran out of time. It was a fun morning, still hot, and my legs were too dead to do much running on the way down. 

Beat and Daniel finish the Cervino

The guys finished their race in 53:01:42, and were 61st and 62nd place out of about 180 starters. I don't know how many people dropped out, but I believe there were fewer than 100 finishers. That's a large attrition rate for a ~hundred-mile race in the Alps. Most people who attempt these courses are highly experienced with Alpine racing — it's the Americans who tend to become overwhelmed. But the Europeans aren't used to two full days of 30C heat at altitude, and that's probably what did most of them in. 

Matterhorn views at sunset

At the finish line, we dragged Beat and Daniel to a nearby bar to sit in a sliver of shade. The guys didn't seem enthused about anything but a cold shower and a nap, but they perked up with cold beers and ice cream. The bar gave me a rare entire glass full of ice cubes with my 0.2 liters of lemon soda, so I was in American heaven (the lack of ice and abundance of lukewarm drinks in Europe never fail to baffle me, even as the Europeans give me similar side-eyes when I stuff my hydration bladder into tiny freezers with the intention of creating three liters of solid ice.)

The guys went home and crashed while Pieter and I waited until 9 p.m. to rouse them for pizza. In the meantime, I grabbed a final evening stroll along Torrente Marmore. Life is often simplest when I'm walking, and for this I'm grateful.

Now that you’re kind of everything and everywhere

On my birthday last year, one of my favorite songwriters released a new album. "Denis Was a Bird" was in its entirety a journey through the grief that Tom Rosenthal experienced after his father died of Parkinson's Disease in 2019. Throughout the summer, Tom posted teaser videos on social media. I discovered the upcoming album by accident sometime in the predawn hours of June 18, 2021. Tom had premiered a new video just hours earlier, so it showed up near the top of my feed as I scrolled mindlessly through Facebook, straining to feel anything else. 

It was our first night in Utah following the most bewildering nine-hour drive of my life, which Beat and I made to be with my family after my father died suddenly in a hiking accident. The trip started the morning of June 17, when we had to crawl behind a cyclist in a bright pink jersey for the entire five-mile descent of Flagstaff Road. This is the only part of the drive of which I have any clear memory, because I (as a passenger) boiled over with road rage so blindingly overwhelming that this experience of losing my shit — more than anything else — has made me fearful of being a vulnerable cyclist on the road. But even vague images of the rest of the drive still haunt me: the slow crawl in summer traffic along I-70, blinking numbly at rest stops in the 103-degree desert, and again boiling over with rage as wildfire smoke choked the air over eastern Utah. 

It was after 3 a.m. I hadn't slept. Beat was upstairs and I was sprawled in my mother's unfinished basement, hiding from the heat, hiding from the threat of sunrise, shaking from the monster of pain churning in my gut and wishing I could just violently rip it from my body. No physical pain could be worse than this. 

The song, which I suspected would be hurtful to hear but clicked the link anyway, is called "I went to bed and I loved you." The video depicts clips of various people from around the world standing or dancing with portraits of lost loved ones. The lyrics are brilliant and shattering, but a particular line left me sobbing. I shook so hard I thought the monster of pain might be crushed for good. Of course, it was not, but a hint of perspective managed to slice through the devastation. 

The line is: 

I don't see you as a force above.
You're down here.
Sparks in all of us. 
Somewhere in the lost light of every room.

A belated birthday outing at Glacier de Corbassière on Aug. 21, 2021

When the album came out on Aug. 20, I purchased the digital version from the Frankfurt airport and listened to it repeatedly while hiking up and down every steep trail I could find out of Verbier, Switzerland. I tend to do this with Tom's music when I'm feeling fragile — Tom Rosenthal's songs essentially got me through the Iditarod in 2018, and again in 2022. The music is just so simple and honest, quirky yet vulnerable, blunt yet hopeful. 

Walking up the hill again 
To see you
I don't know when I will again
Time feels new.

I never had an opportunity to bring my Dad to the Swiss Alps. We had been planning a summer trip in 2020. I was so excited; I amassed a folder full of trails we could hike, AirBnBs where we could stay, and mountain huts where we could sample local cakes while overlooking glaciers and snow-capped peaks. It would have taken a month to do everything I wanted to do. Then Covid happened, and then time ran out. As August 2021 approached, I wanted to cancel my plans to travel with Beat to Switzerland. I couldn't bear the thought of being in these mountains, walking alone, knowing I'd never be able to share this with Dad. Apathy and inertia, more than anything else, caused me to continue with the trip as planned. Of course I'm glad I did. Hiking in the Swiss Alps was the first time since he left that I felt, really felt, Dad walking beside me. 

All the while, I had Tom Rosenthal telling me in every way possible that everything was going to be all right. 

It's not a catastrophe 

It will happen to you and it will happen to me 

And the sky won't fall down to the sea 

And the joys won't end with you.

Grief has been an interesting journey. The lows can be so low, and yet there are brilliant moments of the purest joy, these streaks of white light through the darkness. I can feel my values shifting along this axis of the light, in ways I don't yet comprehend. It's the same old existential dilemma: If life is a cosmic accident with no inherent purpose, then where do we find meaning? And the answer, obtuse and simplistic as it is, remains: We create our own meaning. But how? The darkness helps sharpen my perspective. Pay attention. What makes the light? This is what matters.

Send me into the long night with all your
Little joys, little joys, little joys, little joys
Little joys, little joys, little joys
Of the finite

My dad brought so much light to my life, but one important realization of my journey through grief has been this: He still brings light to my life, and always will. All that remains is all that matters: The countless little joys that I can reach out to grasp any time I choose, or at least any time I can muster the strength to turn my gaze from the darkness. One of these little joys is Canyonlands National Park, Dad's Heaven on Earth. If he could choose, he would spend eternity in the midst of these sculpted sandstone spires, and told Beat and me as much when we visited in April 2021. Dad had three specific spots where he wanted his ashes spread after he died, and two of them were in the Needles District of Canyonlands. As we trekked along his favorite trails, Dad deliberately pointed them out with enough emphasis that both Beat and I both remembered the exact spots. I took photos to document the locations. We joked that he'd have to train his grandkids because Beat and I would be too old and decrepit to make the journey by the time he finally went. After the trip, I posted this photo and caption on my Instagram: 

April 23, 2021.

"Over the weekend, Beat and I joined my 68-year-old father on his annual journey into Canyonlands Needles District, where he revisits some of his favorite places in the world every year. Here, my dad is overlooking a spot where he would like his ashes spread someday — overlooking "The Sentinel." I told my dad that he'll probably outlast that rock formation."

Dad and my sister Sara standing at the exact same overlook, exactly one year apart. The dates and picture poses were unintentional — this is just how it worked out.  

I broached the Canyonlands issue within hours of arriving at home on June 17. I wasn't sure whether Dad and Mom had discussed his final wishes. In their religion, cremation was once verboten or at least heavily discouraged. It's still outside the norm — most members of the LDS faith are buried in cemeteries next to their parents and other relatives, usually with space reserved for a spouse. Often the name and birth date of the still-living spouse are carved into a shared headstone, which I always thought was a bit creepy. I already understood that my mom wished for a traditional burial. And I didn't know whether Dad had ever discussed alternatives with her. He hadn't shared much with me about his desire to be cremated before he rather presciently brought it up in April 2021. 

I was nervous about approaching Mom. He'd discussed it with her, but only in passing, and there was nothing about burial in his will. (Humorously, what he did include in his will were the three classic rock songs he wished to have played after his funeral, as well as the longtime friend who he wanted to sing during the service — "if he's still alive.") I was ready to fight for what I strongly believed to be Dad's final wishes, but was also willing to concede if Mom was going to be deeply upset — after all, she's the one still living; what matters to her is what matters. Mom surprised me by agreeing to cremation without hesitation. My sisters also were strongly on board. We made the arrangements and planned for a closed-casket service with a decoy casket and a strategy to discretely handle prying questions from relatives. Then we started making plans for our private family service in Canyonlands. 

"It has to be April," I said. "That was his time." 

With my sisters and mom in April 2022.

We booked dates in late April, and I spent far too much time and energy fretting about how it would work out — hopefully the weather wouldn't be too harrowing, and hopefully Mom could handle the long hikes, and hopefully I wouldn't panic at that weird exposed spot on the Peekaboo Trail like I did in 2021. As it turned out, I ended up with the biggest issue to overcome. Back in January, I fell down my stairs at home and broke the pinkie toe on my right foot. I'm not sure this was the exact nature of my injury, but it was incredibly painful and surprisingly debilitating and yet "just a toe." I continued with my Iditarod training and raced the difficult 350 miles with long miles of pushing my bike in late February. I think as a consequence, the appendage never fully healed. Then, two days before we were set to leave for Utah, I fell down my stairs again, and again jammed the exact same toe that again turned purple and swelled like a rotten grape. I panic-texted photos to my physician friend and physical therapist and again got the "it's just a toe" advice. So I packed a supportive, 20-year-old pair of Vibram-soled leather hiking boots and hoped for the best. 

It is strange to be in a fair amount of physical pain during an emotionally cathartic experience. At times I could put it out of my mind, but for long stretches, I could not. My toe throbbed and sent continuous signals to my brain to stop walking already. For that reason, I couldn't quite slip into the flow that I rely on to find peace in my hikes. It took focus to remember what I was doing and appreciate where I was. I wondered if my mom was feeling something similar. She engaged in daily 3- and 5-mile walks to prepare for these hikes, but it had been a while since she hiked technical trails with so many ups and downs. The forecast called for one day with a high likelihood of thunderstorms, and a second slated to be cold and breezy but dry. So I flipped our original plan around to start with Chesler Park — the less technical trail, and end on Peekaboo. Because of this, we ended up on each trail exactly one year to the date of my Dad's final hikes here. It was unintentional, but fitting. 

April 22, 2021 in Chesler Park.

In 2021, Dad, Beat and I descended from a bench onto this sandy ribbon of singletrack when Dad first described his wishes to have one of his final resting places be among these sandstone spires. He stopped briefly to turn to me, spread his arms and made a sweeping motion with his hands. 

"Anywhere in here," he said. 

"Anywhere?" I asked, looking around for a tangible landmark. It was all vast open space, brush and cryptobiotic soil. 

"Anywhere," he confirmed as Beat pointed toward a distant boulder.

"Maybe over there?" 

"Anywhere," Dad repeated. I took the above photo, because this was the spot. It had to be here.

April 22, 2022 in Chesler Park.

In the 2021 photo, you can see hints of a sandy wash lined with juniper trees. We chose this wash for his eternity in Chesler Park — ashes to ashes, dust to dust. It was 4.5 miles from the nearest trailhead, a little farther than I'd guessed, but a beautiful and quiet stroll amid the hoodoos. Strong weather was already moving in when we stood in a half-circle facing these formations. I didn't know what to do or say. I'd never done anything like this before and had only experienced a similar service once before when my friend Raj spread some of his father's ashes at White Pine Lake in July 2021. I'll admit that the act was awkward but gratifying. I whispered goodbye as the gusting spring winds swept Dad away.

Then the rain arrived — hard, cold, and persistent. Red water gushed down previously dry channels. I carried several extra jackets but wasn't quite as prepared as I should have been for a typical April deluge in the desert. Strong gusts buffeted us as we contoured sandstone benches. I was a little nervous that we wouldn't be able to ward off hypothermia. Luckily we dropped into a canyon, where we had to wade through baby flash floods, but at least we were protected from the wind. 

It was quite the adventure. Mom mentioned several times that Dad wouldn't choose such a wet day for a hike, but this wasn't exactly true. While he was talented at optimizing for ideal conditions, he wouldn't let a sudden shift in the weather stop him. In 2018, we hiked the Peekaboo Trail in a full April snowstorm as powder accumulated on the rock. This day, because it was so much wetter, felt even colder. Lisa didn't complain until she fully lost feeling in both hands (I offered my own pair of soaked gloves, which didn't help.) Beat, dressed in typical running garb, opted to run ahead. Sara and Mom didn't complain at all. I like to think Dad would have been proud.

There's a lot of you in this light 

Nimble in your footstep, dashing out of sight 

Every corner is written by you.  

I was nervous about taking my family on the Peekaboo Trail, only because it's hard for me — all of that off-camber sandstone, scrambles in and out of drainages, and brief exposure. As is my way, I overthought the entire thing and proposed an alternative approach along Salt Creek Wash — a boring sand slog that truly only Jill could love, or at least tolerate. They rejected my proposal soundly, and I tried hard not to let anxiety get the better of me. 

Beat plays peekaboo on the Peekaboo Trail.

As forecast, the day brought cold wind but blue skies. The Peekaboo Trail is a real crowd-pleaser with fun playground-like terrain and dynamic vistas of redrock skyscrapers and canyons bursting with spring green. My sisters were in awe, which was fun to observe. Mom struggled more on this day, but she never made a peep about it, even after we admonished her to sit down and finally eat something. The snacks, in honor of Dad, were pita bread smeared with Nutella, Maui sweet onion chips, and a trail mix that was exactly half peanuts, half regular M&Ms ... why Dad didn't just eat Peanut M&Ms, I never understood, and now I'll never have a chance to ask. 

Despite everything going well, anxiety had scrambled my brain somewhat. Somehow, I convinced myself that the rock formation we were contouring around wasn't "The Sentinel." 

"It's larger than that," I insisted. "And it's farther away." As we rose to the upper bench, I spotted a nearby butte with rock debris littered around the base. I let myself believe, maybe for longer than I should admit, that the Sentinel had collapsed. 

"Wouldn't it be wild if Dad did outlast the Sentinel?" I babbled as Beat shook his head. This runaway fantasy was fun while it lasted, but eventually, I had seen the Sentinel from enough aspects to leave no room for doubt. The formation still stood. 

The place Dad had pointed out last year wasn't exactly in the shadow of the Sentinel, but rather the highest point on the route with a panoramic view that swept across much of Canyonlands. We each took a turn standing at the edge to share a few sentences of gratitude and release a handful of ash to the gusting wind. The ashes, shimmering in the sunlight, swirled through the breeze for long seconds, traveling out of sight before they could settle. The intent was Leave No Trace, but the effect was mesmerizing in its beauty. Sparkle and fade. Dust to dust. The awe of impermanence. Now, Dad can rest all across this valley, and all under the watchful gaze of the Sentinel. Of course, even the Sentinel can't last forever.  

I thought that life would be a lot without you here 

It's alright 

Now that you're kind of еverything and everywhеre 

In low light.

No other hikers passed this spot the entire time we were there, nearly an hour, unheard of for a sunny Saturday afternoon in April. But so it was. We enjoyed the peace and silence of Heaven on Earth. I quietly thanked Dad for giving me an excuse to return to this place at every opportunity possible. It's just so meaningful compared to a manicured cemetery crowded with hundreds of strangers. 

I'm not sure where I want my body to go when I die. To be entirely honest, I don't really care. Perhaps it could be mulched somehow and used to fertilize a tree, although that may be overly complicated or outlawed. With any luck, I'll be very old and there won't be many left to mourn my passing, which is just fine with me — although also to be entirely honest, my greatest fear is that I'll outlive all of the people I love. In my wildest fantasies, I'm under an avalanche of snow or the bottom of a ravine and left there to be devoured by the elements, although I realize this isn't fair to the living. Cremation is probably the most practical solution, and perhaps there will be someone out there willing to spread my ashes on Rainy Pass in Alaska. Or — even more appropriate — Lone Peak.

Lone Peak is the next and final step in this particular journey. It was the third spot my Dad expressed a desire in having his ashes spread, and it's the most difficult to reach. I've been to this summit in the Wasatch Mountains at least six times, but only once without my dad. It was 2010 when I decided to climb up there and release torn-up pieces of paper on which I had written memories of my dad's Dad. Grandpa Homer died on Sept. 4 of that year. The climb ended up being a harrowing experience — I hadn't before realized how safe I felt with my father until I was clinging to a rock slab with my butt hanging over hundreds of feet of empty space on the summit ridge. But later this summer, perhaps on Sept. 4, I intend to climb Lone Peak with my Dad one more time. I believe he'll provide the peace I need to surmount my anxiety and finish the journey. 

Nothing to save, no more weather delays 

Nothing to lose, no more troubles for you 

I can still see you running around 

And if it stays in my mind, then it's not gone.